


Fucking Damned Heathens

by tcheschire



Category: Naruto
Genre: Allusions To Gore, Evangelist Hidan, Gen, Humor, Originally Posted on LiveJournal, Slice of Life, domestic life, so much swearing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-22
Updated: 2020-03-22
Packaged: 2021-03-01 04:00:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,505
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23268859
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tcheschire/pseuds/tcheschire
Summary: In an attempt to gain a source of revenue, the members of the Akatsuki take some time to write their own books. Hidan is delighted to find that his has topped bestseller lists until he discovers the reason why.
Comments: 4
Kudos: 24





	Fucking Damned Heathens

**Author's Note:**

> This work was originally posted on Livejournal in June of 2009. It has been edited to omit slurs and correct some typos, but has otherwise been unrevised.
> 
> Finally gained access to my old fandom LJ, and discovered a bunch of old works that I haven't posted anywhere, and this one had me nostalgic. Ao3 didn't exist yet, and I think I avoided posting it on FF.Net because I didn't want to have to change the title. That definitely would have gotten me booted lmao.

The downside of running an organization of national renown was that there was never enough money. It was, of course, the entire point of getting an accountant, and even then budgets were tight. There were fliers to print, cloaks to sew, nail polish in just the right shade to import, and their headquarters! Oh, their headquarters...  
  
Which wasn't to say Kakuzu was bad at his job. Oh no. He was the best the group had ever seen at finding the money to pay for things. The problem was that there just weren't many people aligned to their cause, and that...well, that was a shame, plain and simple.  
  
Right from the start, Hidan thought it was a great idea. A book! Why hadn't he ever thought of that, eh? Type a few words, toss it to the masses, and watch as the world changed into a utopia of virtue.  
  
It was a simple enough process. The rest of Akatsuki, nevermind having to attempt at their own books, was more than willing to leave him be; after all, he was quietest when he was writing, and had little enough to complain about. They just had to endure the sermons at the dinner table, which was near silence compared to the weeks and months before.  
  
Finding a publisher that was willing to cooperate was perhaps the most difficult part. There were topics ranging from megalomania, to penny-pinching, to mass murder on an explosive scale, and the serious tone from the prose suggested that there were no jests to be found within the pages of _those_ tomes.  
  
Hidan's book had been picked simply for its casual writing style - the use of slang, the voice of the words, well, they just made it seem like it was entirely satirical.  
  
The book was published several long months later - "Too long if you ask me, seriously. How long is supposed to take to print this shit out? I did it in, what, five minutes? Tops?" - and was stocked - tentatively; what were they supposed to tell the parents about that title...? - not long after.  
  
And that was when the money began to come in. It was a trickle, at first, but the priest couldn't find much to complain about. It was being _sold_. People were _reading_. One step closer to the dream.  
  
It didn't take long for it to make Bestseller. From the outlandish title - "Going Straight to Hell, You Heathen Fuckers" - to the racy comments inside - "It doesn't matter what you do. Unless you follow in the path Jashin-sama's left for you, you're gonna burn in Hell while pigs feed on your intestines, you dumb fuckers..." - the book was just cutting-edge enough for people to spread the news to their friends, their families, people they see on the bus.  
  
Hidan couldn't have been more ecstatic when the title was mentioned (though censored) on the news. He grinned, snatching the remote from the coffee table and turning up the volume. Not taking his eyes from the screen, he called over his shoulder to his roomate, "Knock that shit off, Kakuzu; my book's on TV."  
  
Kakuzu ignored him, continuing to punch numbers into his calculator, clearly pleased with something.  
  
"...Yes, it's 'Going Straight to Hell', written by a local man, and it's almost literally flying from the shelves," the newscaster was saying. "It tells a story of an angry god, of bloodbath rituals, and of harsh consequences, but this isn't your average cult book. Where Satan may ask specifically for the sacrifice of a virginal girl, bathed in the blood of a young goat, this 'Jashin' isn't quite so finicky."  
  
The screen shifted to show Hidan from weeks earlier, breathlessly giving his account of the book at its international release. "No, no, no. See, Jashin-sama's not picky. A virgin's soul is just as good as some whore's, and a guy's a much as some chick's. It's the soul that counts, not the body, see - we're, I mean, we're all just the children of Jashin-sama, and that's where we should be going, yeah?"  
  
Hidan grinned, a bit smugly, leaning against the back of the couch. "How many times you been on TV, huh, Kakuzu?"  
  
"Shut up, Hidan," Kakuzu replied nonchalantly.  
  
The priest's grin merely widened, and he turned back to the television.  
  
“...Although many stores have been out of the title for many weeks, awaiting a second edition of the book, many people have still not read it.”  
  
A montage of people, all saying variations of “What’s that? I’ve never heard of it,” flashed on the screen, leaving Hidan feeling nonplussed, and rather dejected.  
  
The newscaster returned to the screen. “Regardless of the ‘nonbelievers’, this book is well on its way to becoming a veritable ‘cult’ classic, and is one parody that should be on bookshelves everywhere. Now, Yuki, how’s the weather looking for the next week?”  
  
The weather report was a blur, static – had Hidan heard what he thought he’d heard? They didn’t just call his book a...no, they could have. ...Could they?  
  
“Hey, Kakuzu,” he called back, ignoring as usual his partner’s pointless desire to be left alone. Kakuzu ignored him. “We’ve got that TiVo shit, right? Oi, Kakuzu. Kakuzu!”  
  
Dark eyes glanced up at him, agitated. “We would, Hidan, if you had bothered to pay the bill.”  
  
The priest sat fully upright, turning to face what would surely become a full-on fistfight in no time. “What the fuck, man? It was your turn to pay it this month!”  
  
Kakuzu’s expression remained blank. It honestly wasn’t worth it to tell Hidan just how stupid the idea was, and he returned to his calculations, muttering faintly about reused coffee grounds.  
  
This did not sit at all well with Hidan. Whether or not someone had committed slander against Jashin-sama was of the highest importance, and goddammit, he intended to find out. “Kakuzu, you fucker! You were supposed to pay that fucking bill, and now we don’t have this TiVo shit so I can rewind and hear what this fucker said about my book!”  
  
“He called it a parody.” Kakuzu scribbled in a number, punched several buttons, and scribbled something else, not bothering to look at Hidan while he spoke.  
  
Just the thought that it could be true raised Hidan’s hackles. “You don’t know that, because we don’t have the fucking TiVo!”  
  
“It’s in the paper.”  
  
That took him aback, for a couple reasons. He hadn’t known there was an article in the paper about his book, and the fact made him once again swell with pride. Likewise, it also called his book, a veritable Jashin fucking _Bible_ , a parody. In black and white. For everyone to read.  
  
A noise filled the room then, shrill and strangled. It took Hidan a moment to notice he was screaming with his mouth closed, and when silence reigned once more, he threw the couch across the room; it hit the chair holding the past three hours of Kakuzu’s work. Normally, this would have caused the swarthy man to pounce on Hidan, and possibly beat his throat closed, but now he simply looked up. His eyes looked pleased.  
  
“And thanks to your drivel, our income has gone up ten percent, with given expenses for the Organization and the apartment utilities. It would have been more, if you hadn’t started buying that ridiculous bran oat cereal – and you’re going to be cutting down on that within the next week – but profit is profit.”  
  
The words only half registered. All that Hidan knew was that Kakuzu wasn’t taking this seriously. The priest stood, gaping, unsure of exactly how to phrase the situation so that his partner would understand. A heartbeat, then:  
  
“THEY’RE FUCKING LAUGHING. AT JASHIN-SAMA.”  
  
“Of course they are. If it wasn’t so stupid, I’d find it funny, myself.”  
  
“IT’S NOT MEANT TO BE FUNNY, YOU FUCKING ASSHAT. YOU DON’T FUCKING LAUGH AT JASHIN-SAMA. WORSHIP OR DIE, THAT’S HOW IT GOES. FUCK. JUST FUCK.”  
  
Kakuzu leaned back in his chair. “To be frank, I’m not sure how it’s doing so well. Your editor was a complete idiot – that shitty book was full of typos. It’s like you just swallowed every word you’ve ever said and just shat them into some leatherbound pages.”  
  
There was a vein on Hidan’s forehead that he hadn’t even known he had, swollen to twice its normal size, pulsing. He could honestly feel his heartbeat on every inch of his skin. When he found control over his voice, he whispered, “What the fuck did you just say?”  
  
“It’s not surprising that no one takes that shit seriously.” A shrug. “It is a surprise that that drivel is selling, stupid as it is.”  
  
A second later, and a woman walking her dog had to jump to the side to keep the television from falling on her head. Looking up at the open window, she faintly heard “You’re paying for that,” followed by a strangled yelling sound, and the sound of doors slamming.  
  
Glancing at Poopsy, the woman scooped up her dog and continued on her way.


End file.
